Mood: *headache*
Music: Gershwin - Rhapsody in Blue
My neurons cannot take rock and techno tonight, even though I'd very much love to blast Evanescence at myself as cathartic therapy.
Yes, there's lots of work to be done. (Isn't there always?) I should be ashamed of myself. I haven't even started on the real mugging yet, and already I'm doing my utmost to distract myself from Work. My, but don't I hate that word.
Issues regarding the practice of online journaling have been cropping up on quite a few blogs I've visited. How much should one reveal, considering the (semi)public nature of the blog, when readership cannot be monitored or restricted? What should one write in the first place? To rant about personal matters or to offer free philosophy suited for general consumption?
My opinion is this: if you go into blogging for emotional catharsis, whatever - in short, if you believe that a blog is just like an online version of a personal diary, you're in for disillusionment or worse, potential embarrassment/humiliation. One can only be truly unfettered in total isolation. Society restricts us; that's part of its raison d'etre. You always have to be careful with your words around other people, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Be realistic, use your common-sense. And if you are uncomfortable with the way your blog is going, you always have the option of pulling it from the net altogether.
For me, I can live with the inevitable restrictions. It's not as if I have got anything particularly controversial to say, I'd never dream of making personal secrets public and my life doesn't depend on this blog anyway. It's a diversion and a convenient method of keeping in touch with people (in a sense). But enough of focusing on the negative aspects of blogging. I sometimes find that I can appreciate and understand other people better since I can view them as complex individuals rather than 2-dimensional acquaintances through reading their entries. I don't think everyone agrees though, since one can argue that the blog persona eventually becomes yet another contrived facade.
As for philosophy, it tends to give me headaches, so I don't touch it. My informal writing style, as my dearest friends know so well, is happily frivolous - 'gloriously pointless' as Jieying memorably put it. I could never bring myself to write thoughtful themes, complex characters or make my narratives grow believable plots of any sort. Similarly, I do random rants better than I write probing essays. /sheepish grin/ No, I'm not a true intellectual by nature. Most of what I have was trained and drilled into me by my RG literature teachers, and I owe them my boundless gratitude.
My goodness, I miss my RG teachers. Should I head for my Alma Mater this Friday, I wonder? Or seize the opportunity to grab some sleep/ catch up on work? My Sept hols are one-third gone due to choir commitments. /long, exasperated sigh/ But commitments are commitments, so I shan't complain. Excessively.
My tutor said something recently which I didn't quite understand: 'In order to love someone, you must first love yourself.' Would anyone care to explain it to me?
'Love', I admit, is a concept my mind treats as abstract and confusing. I freely confess to being unable to grasp the concept, and no matter how much I read about it or attempt to study it it just doesn't integrate itself into my consciousness. (And it doesn't help that I studied 'Romeo and Juliet' for O Levels :) Does one have to 'feel' love before one can understand it? Is it pointless trying to understand it, 'cos, y'know, it's got that sort of mysterious greatness that 'can't be explained' and therefore is totally beyond me?
I'm probably getting it hopelessly wrong, though.
A few questions1:
Do we all need an internal 'anchor' to tide us through difficult times, when we cannot rely on others to support us? Can, or should, we trust that there'd always be someone to lean on? To what extent is emotional dependence unhealthy, and can too much independence lead to individualism, self-centredness and thus be a bad thing?
1(Answer sheet not provided: being the philosophy-averse person that I am)
words were spilled on Wednesday, August 27, 2003
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Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Watched 'Princess Mononoke' just now. Not quite sure what possessed me to watch a 2 hr 15 min long movie on a Wednesday evening, but there you are. Humans aren't creatures of logic, not all the time at least.
Oh, but I enjoyed myself. It's now my favourite Studio Ghibli production. I think it's better than 'Spirited Away', 'cos at least the plot this time round had a clear sense of direction and the ending didn't feel random/ abrupt/ plain weird. Ashitaka and San are a more endearing couple than Chihiro and Haku. Lady Eboshi beats Yubaba hands down, with style. Music is gorgeous. Even though I watched the English dub, the voice acting was good (seeing that some of the voice actors are big Hollywood names; Claire Danes for eg), but the lip-syncing was off. And that's the only major complaint I have. All in all, it made for a wonderful night of procrastination.
I've got an anime surplus at home. Shock and horror. To think that anime was in short supply when I first started and had to cycle all the way to Northpoint in Yishun to buy my CCS box sets. Now there're episodes on my hard disk, CD-Rs and shelves waiting to be savoured. I'm spoiling myself silly.
No, no, no, my dear father, I haven't been neglecting my studies. Not more than is necessary to maintain my sanity. (I'm joking. Can you tell? ...oh nevermind.)
I need to raise at least $2500 because Choir may go for the Bremen Choir Olympics next year and we need all the money we can get. I'm excited more for the exhilarating fact that we are going to GERMANY. Germany, oh the beloved Vaterland... /dances around the room singing "Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles"/ Home of my beloved 3rd language... /starts painting the room black, yellow and red/ IT'S GERMANY!!!!
Aber... ich glaube, dass ich habe fast alles Deutsch vergessen! Was ist passiert?! Hab' meinen Buch nicht fertig gelesen... ich mache gar nichts. Kann nicht alles lernen... was soll ich machen dann?? KeineZeitkeineZeit!!!
Ironic isn't it. The thing that took me away from German may soon be bringing me back to it.
Almost forgot to announce: I've found a way around Geocities' ban on direct linking. Or rather, Hui Chu showed me the way. Which means... images! Finally!
To celebrate, I would like to share this:
/ambles off humming the 'Panzerlied'/
words were spilled on Wednesday, August 20, 2003
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Monday, August 18, 2003
OK this is futile. I give up. Time to turn in.
words were spilled on Monday, August 18, 2003
My jubilation was premature. Geocities does not allow direct linking, apparently, so the image shows up for a while before the system catches on, and then it vanishes. I'm displeased.
words were spilled on Monday, August 18, 2003
I've finally discovered how to place a background image on my blog! Wheee!!
OK, so that was excessive and maybe laughable to all you IT-savvy people. But in my hubris I had tried, countless times, to introduce a background image using conventional HTML (background image="xyz.html"), to no avail. In the end I decided to be humble and Google the solution. And so I did. And it was good. Found out that I have to bow to CSS after all instead of being stubborn with my limited HTML.
Yay. I'll put up something more exciting as soon as my next spell of procrastination comes round.
words were spilled on Monday, August 18, 2003
Mood: Subdued frustration
Music: None, for fear of a PC meltdown triggered by OS instability
ARGH the computer AND the connection are conspiring against me! How am I supposed to increase my work productivity given all the technological inconveniences these darned contraptions bring?
I stupidly scheduled 3 things on Saturday only to have them all clashing with/ coming dangerously close to one another. Choir busking is on this Saturday at Wheelock Place in the afternoon (3 slots) and Plaza Singapura at night (mainstage performance), and I moronically forgot all about it until today. Meanwhile, I had planned to spend a happy evening buying new photog equipment for myself (since budget issues on the CCA side remain vague/ unresolved) and dining out with sis and dad. Before Saturday afternoon when I saw the disasters that came out of Fotohub, I had wanted to watch 'Tosca', an opera put on by the S'pore Lyric Opera as their only production of the year. (Melodrama galore, shooting scenes and the great aria 'Vissi d'arte'... I wanna watch!! /cries/ *it's a Puccini opera damnit!* /weeps/)
But but but. Goodness me, is my short term memory really that limited? Am I that incapable of juggling simple schedules?
So now it's either rush madly down to City Hall after registration at 6pm, wolf down dinner, whirl through Peninsula Plaza in time for performance at 8.30pm, or else scrap the plan. Or plead for special concessions from choir... doubt they'd be very impressed, though.
Sometimes when I'm feeling complacent enough about schoolwork to take a break from it, my mind wanders over to peer vaguely at the unpleasantries of personal existence. I say 'vaguely', because mindlessness has been the rule where self-reflection and interpersonal awareness are concerned. I gave up on trying to understand people years ago, mostly because all my desperate efforts at logically deciphering certain adults came to nought and that confused and discouraged me to no end. A friend in secondary school once told me that I was very 'transparent', and perhaps that's true. A shallow puddle is pretty much see-through, it can't harbour any life (apart from perhaps unwise mosquito larvae) and it dries up fast. It's essentially a dead patch of inorganic H2O waiting to rejoin the mundane water cycle... but I'm going off-track. My point is, sometimes when I allow myself to think, I do believe that the reason why I like to read is to compensate for an inherent lack of substance, drought of inspiration, superficiality of thought, all-round emptiness, what-have-you. And these days, I feel this all the more keenly.
I'm slipping. I've never been a brilliant artist or poet, my personality tends towards the boring, routine and mechanical. There's no art in me, just craftsmanship derived from study and practice. My musicality is next to zero: I have to think in terms of clearly spelt-out dynamics and tempo. Such a clumsy grasp of philosophy and human relationships. Such irritating vacillatory weakness. And so on and so forth. Sooner or later I'd just fade away into the faceless grey production lines of society, make my insignificant contribution to the GDP, and then quietly, unobtrusively depart.
I shall stop before this degenerates into a bourgeois self-pity session.
Interestingly, some my classmates thought I was an only child, even though I've got a younger sister whom I'm very attached to. Do I give everyone that impression? What would that imply, I wonder? The things I can think of are generally not very positive, although that could be due in part to this little mood I've got myself into.
Ah, what the hell. Put on the techno, will you.
words were spilled on Monday, August 18, 2003
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Thursday, August 14, 2003
The photo session was long and tiring, I kept crouching in various unladylike positions and at the end of it I was starving, but it was fun. (No, I haven't lost my mind :) It was the first time we were handling studio equipment by ourselves and nobody had any formal training in studio photography (shhh... don't tell this to the Chinese Society ;p), but I think we managed OK. Indeed, I felt obscurely proud of having developed a certain level of skill at talking shop and impressing/baffling outsiders with photog jargon. ^__^ Nothing like tech-talk to enhance that illusion of professionalism. [much evil, hysterical giggling ensues]
Now, I can only hope that the pictures turn out fine.
This evening, I finally got to read Judith's play. Now I'm enthused about attending, and maybe participating in the reading of the play next Friday, since I'm a member of ELDDFS Lit Wing (oh, believe it or not, I am, thanks to Judith). Don't worry about critics, Judith, I think it's your best play yet. I may not be a Lit student anymore, it's been geological ages since I last read anything literary, but I like it. It's just so quintessentially you. Cheer up, yah? When I find the time to comment in greater detail I will.
I was feeling worn out a few hours ago, but for some reason the moment I go online my energy levels spike. Morning coffee made the day possible: I was hyper-alert for all lectures and tutorials, PW periods were spent constructively and enjoyably. I even lasted the whole of the afternoon without feeling the need for a nap. All in all I really couldn't have asked for more, but the stress is piling up. It's unavoidable - much depends on your coping strategies. If all else fails, go to bed early. It works for me. Not for everyone though.
My fascination with caffeine continues. In a fit of intellectual curiosity I did a search on Google and found this .
To quote: "...coffee is an excellent anti-depressant and an effective performance enhancer, improving one's memory and energy levels for both mental and physical activities"
I'm deluding myself, aren't I? You can all yell at me now.
words were spilled on Thursday, August 14, 2003
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Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Music: Tchaikovsky- 1819 Overture
I'm once again on a stimulant-induced high. And what's worst is that I didn't even mean for it to turn out this way. I thought that a cup of tea won't do any harm, but I failed to realise that even a small amount of caffeine could exert potent effects when coupled with things like:
1) Attempting Chemical Equilibria using the calculator function on my handphone, because the real calculator's batteries went flat. My calculator has got something against Chemistry. It failed me during Chem practical Prelims last year too. /glares/
2) Listening to hyper1000active techno/rock music while slogging away at (1)
3) ExCo stuff.
4) Mrs Foo's 2-hr Bio Olympiad cram session on Animal Physiology. Well, just on the circulatory and endocrine system actually, but the lecture on heart function wasn't doing any wonders for mine. My sympathetic nerves and adrenal glands went into overdrive as my poor abused brain tried to assimilate all that information. Mrs Foo's impromptu questions kept me on the edge; I didn't dare to let my attention slip for even a single moment, lest I found myself in the horribly uncomfortable position of having to ask, "I'm sorry, but could you please repeat that question?" It was nerve-wracking.
I could have sworn I detected angina. Think I'll die young of stress-related ailments.
Watched 'Singapore's Brainiest Kid' just now. It only managed to get me more excited. Ooookay, I realise that I'm kind of overaged for that show, but still... :-) Felt rather pleased with myself when I could answer that question on Yehudi Menuhin correctly. I'm a classical music connoisseur... as if.
I was determinedly staying away from overly exciting music, but I forgot that "1819" is by no means a quiet relaxing piece. Ah well.
words were spilled on Tuesday, August 12, 2003
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Monday, August 11, 2003
Music: Spirited Away OST
See Brenda play at having a LiveJournal. =D
I hate my lack of stamina. And no, I'm not referring to this morning's 800m swimming marathon during PE. I survived that without collapsing, thank goodness. Whenever I want to do something useful and constructive, lethargy sneaks up on me and my brain initiates shutdown. /groan/ I want to be able to last just one school day without falling asleep at some point, be it tutorial, lecture or break. Part of the reason could be that I've gone cold turkey on caffeine for the past week. But it feels good to be on a healthy, natural high without artificial stimulants.
I love the Spirited Away soundtrack: it's beautiful, just like the movie, and composed by the same person who did the score for Princess Mononoke. Suits me just fine when I'm in the mood for some quiet BGM with some exotic Japanese flavour thrown in.
Thought I'd share something my GP tutor showed us today:
Taboo: What are your moral intuitions?
My results indicated that I'm permissive and non-interfering and apparently I reject the universality of morals. It's an interesting test, but be warned: a few of the scenarios included within are quite... sick. Go find out for yourselves.
Go on, go on... /gives encouraging little nudges/
words were spilled on Monday, August 11, 2003
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Sunday, August 10, 2003
As a result, you now see really annoying dastardly acts of HTML coding like:
I shall nauseate everyone with tasteless HTML and extensive use of evil tags. Bwahahaha.
Last Saturday, I abandoned homework to watch the NDP celebrations on TV. I was feeling all proud and patriotic... and then my sister mentioned Animal Farm and Spontaneous Demonstrations. The nationalistic mood still persisted, nevertheless. I think all that choir NDP singing got to me. I actually enjoyed this year's National Day more than last year's. It's heartening to know people who genuinely love Singapore, even if I'm something of a cynic after 2 years of Social Studies.
Things are looking encouraging on the PW front for now, after Friday's immensely successful interview with Dr. Lockhart, wonderful guy that he is (a pity I don't intend to study History at NUS, I'd love to have him teach me). The mental fog I've had about our topic has dispelled to some extent - about time too, considering that first report draft is due this Friday. Events are rapidly accelerating towards the horrors of October. The nagging sense of repressed urgency irks me.
I've been experimenting with my dad's collection of camera filters, taking pictures of whatever's convenient. Unfortunately, in many cases the most convenient subject is my... ahem... aesthetically-unappealing sister. Hopefully I'd be able to finish my roll of film before Tuesday so that I can get it developed by Wednesday so that I can carry out the Huayun shoot properly on Thursday... eeks. I operate on a tight schedule. And I haven't even studied 'romantic' photography in any detail yet; apart from some vague concepts what I know can hardly be considered beyond layman. Nevermind, PS has better experts. We can't screw up too badly. Or else I might snap out of my recent high spirits and throw another fit. [Yes, I have been in a fairly good mood, which explains the lack of moaning this time round.]
Besides photography, the weekend was mostly spent in fangirl heaven. I'm still suffering from the after-effects. Excuse me while I go squeal in somewhere more private.
words were spilled on Sunday, August 10, 2003
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Saturday, August 02, 2003
Threat rating: High. The Bush administration is
concerned that it may not get a second term.
Therefore, we are going to change the rules so
that each Democrat vote only counts as 0.2
votes because Democrat is a shorter word than
Republican
What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Hmm... this brings to mind my stalled PW project. The top American Studies professor just turned down our request for an interview citing lack of time. Sad, isn't it? But at the same time I'm strangely relieved. No need to try matching intellects with a top ivory tower academic... it's just that I feel terribly inadequate about my level of familiarity with the material and capacity for intelligent discourse. No matter how much our ST tells us about PW being 'all about the process', I'm still not very comforted.
Oh whatever. To put it succinctly, PW sucks.
Practically the whole of yesterday was spent on rehearsal and alumni concert. Even though the singing could have been better at parts (I still CMI... so sorry /hangs head in shame/), it was overall decent (I hope) and I was really happy because Woon Teng came to lend her support, bearing a lovely little bouquet wrapped in pink and lavender! Really, thank you very much.
Think I've got a CIP evaluation session with my class next Friday after school NDP celebrations. This definitely puts a crimp in my plans for that afternoon- how can I get 7 hours of uninterrupted brain decomposition when half the afternoon's to be spent at Sembawang Family Service Centre?
Mystifying fangirl randomness ahead:
My sister says that the English dub for 'Now and Then, Here and There' (bleak, apocalyptic anime set in red giant-scorched Earth of the future) is not bad. Maybe I should check it out after finishing the subtitled eps first. The show itself is highly recommendable for animation quality and content. And the (really expensive, US-imported) DVD has a load of extras including previews for Angel Sanc and Utena. I bought it because I was in an extravagant mood. Nah... not really.
words were spilled on Saturday, August 02, 2003
